Thoughts on Sexuality in Early High School.

After re-reading some old diaries from when I was in high school, I made a few discoveries about myself. My first one being that I was quite the cyber slut (at 12 and 13) having many boyfriends online and in role playing chatrooms, and that I thought that female masturbation was "disgusting". My entry from the 5th November, 1999 is as follows...

"I got this message on the internet (icq) saying "let's talk about sex", and I'm like "NO!" but the person turns out he just wanted to know about other people's opinions. I said "how often do you get erections?" and he said "a lot. About one every few hours" and I'm thinking "you horny little devil." I wanted to cyber but was too shy to ask. I wonder what it's like, ya know. And he said "Do girls ever manipulate themselves?" (referring to female masturbation) and I said "Only stupid ones!"
"Why are they stupid?"
"Why not have the real thing." I replied.

...

Reading this entry made me kind of sad. Sure, my sexual curiosity was healthy, but why did I think female masturbation was wrong, or for "stupid girls"? To be honest, I'm not sure I actually thought that. I vaguely remember thinking that people (or at least other girls) thought less of someone who masturbated. We all knew boys did it, but during my entire high school years I only ever remember two girls actually telling me they had masturbated. Why is it such a shameful thing for women? Why was or is it socially acceptable for men to do it but not girls? So many questions I ask myself about why masturbating as a female is such a wrong thing to do.

An entry I found from September 2001 tells the story of when I spoke to Tarryn, a premiscuous girl in my class. She told me about her "lesbian experiences" and how they were alright and other sexual encounters. As a complete virgin, her stories fascinated me yet horrified me at the same time. My thoughts were as follows...

It made me think. She was saying it was okay, and it's been hard to admit to myself, but I thought I might be the tiniest bit... Bisexual. I think it's because of that my body can't wait and I want to pash anyone. I find myself thinking about it, and with...Steph. I know its weird, whenever I think about it I stop and go "ewww" and yeah, I don't want to say anymore.

...

I remember this being such a passing thought, becuase, as I felt with Gemma later on, I was terrified as to what it could mean. A lot of it got me thinking about what they do and don't teach you in high school. They only ever tell you how it works and what ovaries and testes are, they barely cover controception but I do remember a lot of STI talk which was something. I think as a part of sex ed that kids should also be taught about masturbation and sexual preference, and how both things are healthy. Things like the media and religion dismiss masturbation and homosexuality as being "wrong" or "dirty", if there is anywhere kids would believe otherwise, its if it was taught in school. So many people could be saved so much humilliation this way and lead much more self-fullfilling sex lives in the future.


-Endrin-