During an arousing make out session with Edan, as one would assume things progressed a little. He skimmed his hands across my skin and breathed slightly in my ear, sending shivers all through my body. Whenever he touched me, sexual or affectionately, I would get these tingles. Gemma would always be affectionate with me though I never got "the tingles" before. Whispering or breathing in my ear is when Edan could make my whole body shudder and I'd gasp for air.
He began to finger me, and began to move down my body. I wasn't too scared as it was something I obviously had practiced with Gemma before. His fat tongue slid over my clit and commenced what seemed like moves I was used to.
Until he did something I had never even heard of before.
I like to watch boys (or girls for that matter) as they perform oral on me, I like to meet their gaze. I've always found it kind of cute how it looks like they're just peeking over a ledge. As I watched Edan begin to suckle on my clitoris, he did the strangest thing. He held it in his mouth, and shook his head violently, like a dog with a stuffed toy. It took a lot not to laugh as he looked rediculous.
I have no idea how on earth he could have thought that would do anything for me, or anybody for that matter. It's a hard image to get out of my head and fortunately, not a move I have seen since!
-Endrin-
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Saturday, 29 September 2007
My First Kink
During my romantic little getaway with Edan (a whole 5 minutes from my house), he had bought many scented candles including two vibrant orange scented ones on each bedside table.
I had mentioned to him previously that I am a "kinky girl" and wanted to experiment a little. Of course the beginning of any kink besides the standard fluffy handcuffs is the old candlewax and icecubes trick.
Edan was by no means an attractive man, though looking up at him he resembled Keanu Reeves which was about the extent to which he could physically turn me on. We had a lot of troubles with my lubrication. I secretly thought it was because I did find him so rediucously hideous, he had not one redeeming attractive feature. However, not being able to get wet could also have been due to the fact I had never been with a man and was very scared and excited.
During a hot and heavy make out session, he asked if I would like to play with the candles. I of course said yes. He got up and walked over to the fridge and got the ice cubes as well. I felt very naughty and wild! I told him I was quite a wuss when it came to pain so to be careful with me. He ran his fingers over my chest, his eyes boring into mine. He gently tilted the candle and about a teaspoon full dropped onto my chest. I wasn't an idiot, I know how hot candlewax is, who doesn't? But I figured maybe in the "heat of the moment" so to speak I wouldn't notice it so much. This theory of mine deemed a failure.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed. It left quite a red mark, but I still wanted to experiment. He found a way to only get a few drops on me at a time which whilst it stung, was still nice for that half a second of pain. He would alternate with the ice cubes on my chest, making me numb then dripping the candlewax over my frozen skin. At the very least, it was erotic and made me feel not so innocent in the best possible way.
His hand skipped down to my lips as he began to finger me. I was too wrapped up in kissing him to look what he was doing but before I knew it he had pushed an ice cube into my vagina.
"Too cold!" I exclaimed again. Without thinking I shot it straight back out of me, half melted. He began putting the ice cubes in his mouth which I liked, though overall I probably wasn't a huge fan of the extremes of hot and cold.
Just before he left, he was in the shower and I was staring at one of the candles. A ring of melted wax lay on the plate. Sheepishly, I took it, wrapped it carefully and placed it on my bag. I kept it for about a year on my mantlepiece and it remained the only thing physically I had to remind me of Edan.
-Endrin-
I had mentioned to him previously that I am a "kinky girl" and wanted to experiment a little. Of course the beginning of any kink besides the standard fluffy handcuffs is the old candlewax and icecubes trick.
Edan was by no means an attractive man, though looking up at him he resembled Keanu Reeves which was about the extent to which he could physically turn me on. We had a lot of troubles with my lubrication. I secretly thought it was because I did find him so rediucously hideous, he had not one redeeming attractive feature. However, not being able to get wet could also have been due to the fact I had never been with a man and was very scared and excited.
During a hot and heavy make out session, he asked if I would like to play with the candles. I of course said yes. He got up and walked over to the fridge and got the ice cubes as well. I felt very naughty and wild! I told him I was quite a wuss when it came to pain so to be careful with me. He ran his fingers over my chest, his eyes boring into mine. He gently tilted the candle and about a teaspoon full dropped onto my chest. I wasn't an idiot, I know how hot candlewax is, who doesn't? But I figured maybe in the "heat of the moment" so to speak I wouldn't notice it so much. This theory of mine deemed a failure.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed. It left quite a red mark, but I still wanted to experiment. He found a way to only get a few drops on me at a time which whilst it stung, was still nice for that half a second of pain. He would alternate with the ice cubes on my chest, making me numb then dripping the candlewax over my frozen skin. At the very least, it was erotic and made me feel not so innocent in the best possible way.
His hand skipped down to my lips as he began to finger me. I was too wrapped up in kissing him to look what he was doing but before I knew it he had pushed an ice cube into my vagina.
"Too cold!" I exclaimed again. Without thinking I shot it straight back out of me, half melted. He began putting the ice cubes in his mouth which I liked, though overall I probably wasn't a huge fan of the extremes of hot and cold.
Just before he left, he was in the shower and I was staring at one of the candles. A ring of melted wax lay on the plate. Sheepishly, I took it, wrapped it carefully and placed it on my bag. I kept it for about a year on my mantlepiece and it remained the only thing physically I had to remind me of Edan.
-Endrin-
Friday, 28 September 2007
My First Boyfriend and My First Handjob
First and foremost, I am VERY sorry about the massive delay in posts here. There has been some drama going on in my life where I've not really felt like writing or doing anything at all, but as always the show must go on! So here is the next entry...
Edan stayed true to his word, and three weeks after the morning we kissed, he arrived in Sydney. Every night we'd spend hours on the phone, at least 3 hours each night. I don't even remember what we'd talk about. He'd often rant about nonsense to make me laugh, or say beautiful things about me. He was definately a man who knew his way with words. He said he knew he wasn't going to get sex from me, and was not expecting it and therefore wouldn't even bring condoms! Whilst I appreciated the gesture, I thought it quite irresponsible.
So three weeks later, I hurried home from school and packed my bag for the weekend, giggling with my cousin as she helped me get ready. Being 17, I wasn't able to drive yet so she was driving me to the hotel. She dropped me off, wished me luck and told me not to have sex. I hadn't been more excited in my life. I longed to see him, to touch him. To see my boyfriend. The words I had always wanted to say and hear out a loud, "I have a boyfriend."
I approached the front desk and asked them to page his room. After what seemed like forever, the elevator doors opened and there he stood, arms outstretched. I ran over and leapt into his arms grinning. The second the elevator doors closed he pushed me up against the elevator walls and kissed me passionately. My knees started to buckle as I had told him of this fantasy nearly every night. It's a kiss I'll never forget, the first kiss from my boyfriend as my boyfriend.
The entire weekend was incredible. We did nothing but entwine with each other and kiss all day and all evening. Every touch on my skin I shuddered with pleasure, he had magic hands. Though it was our first weekend together, I let him perform oral on me. I didn't really feel slutty, as I had been doing it with Gemma previously. He never pushed or pressured me to do anything, much to my amazement. I had decided I wanted to touch his cock, I suppose out of fascination more than anything. However I refused to look at it, so I only put my hand down his boxer shorts. I guess I was kind of scared to see it. They had always seemed so frightening to me, even pictures made me squirm, and not in the pleasant way. I was amazed when I first wrapped my hands around his hard cock.
"Wow, it really is hard, isn't it!" I exclaimed. He laughed at my bemusement as I continued to touch it in fascination. I couldn't believe how hard penises got, they were like wood! Which I suppose explained the term "woody". As my long delicate fingers poked and prodded his penis, I came to a sudden realisation that I had no idea how to give a handjob. I thought about what felt good on my skin, so I slowly ran my fingertips from the base of his penis to the head. Being the open girl I was, I told him I had no idea how to give a handjob, and he said that it didn't matter and it felt nice what I was doing anyway.
I cried when I dropped him at the station and refused to blink so I could stare at him just that little bit longer...
The handjob situation made me realise that I didn't actually know a whole lot about how to be great at sex, besides the attitude which I had down pretty well. I knew how to use my femininity, but where was my technique? This is when my research began on how to be the best lover I could be. I wanted to be the girl every boy talked about years and years after being with me. I wanted to be the girl who gave the best everything.
-Endrin-
Edan stayed true to his word, and three weeks after the morning we kissed, he arrived in Sydney. Every night we'd spend hours on the phone, at least 3 hours each night. I don't even remember what we'd talk about. He'd often rant about nonsense to make me laugh, or say beautiful things about me. He was definately a man who knew his way with words. He said he knew he wasn't going to get sex from me, and was not expecting it and therefore wouldn't even bring condoms! Whilst I appreciated the gesture, I thought it quite irresponsible.
So three weeks later, I hurried home from school and packed my bag for the weekend, giggling with my cousin as she helped me get ready. Being 17, I wasn't able to drive yet so she was driving me to the hotel. She dropped me off, wished me luck and told me not to have sex. I hadn't been more excited in my life. I longed to see him, to touch him. To see my boyfriend. The words I had always wanted to say and hear out a loud, "I have a boyfriend."
I approached the front desk and asked them to page his room. After what seemed like forever, the elevator doors opened and there he stood, arms outstretched. I ran over and leapt into his arms grinning. The second the elevator doors closed he pushed me up against the elevator walls and kissed me passionately. My knees started to buckle as I had told him of this fantasy nearly every night. It's a kiss I'll never forget, the first kiss from my boyfriend as my boyfriend.
The entire weekend was incredible. We did nothing but entwine with each other and kiss all day and all evening. Every touch on my skin I shuddered with pleasure, he had magic hands. Though it was our first weekend together, I let him perform oral on me. I didn't really feel slutty, as I had been doing it with Gemma previously. He never pushed or pressured me to do anything, much to my amazement. I had decided I wanted to touch his cock, I suppose out of fascination more than anything. However I refused to look at it, so I only put my hand down his boxer shorts. I guess I was kind of scared to see it. They had always seemed so frightening to me, even pictures made me squirm, and not in the pleasant way. I was amazed when I first wrapped my hands around his hard cock.
"Wow, it really is hard, isn't it!" I exclaimed. He laughed at my bemusement as I continued to touch it in fascination. I couldn't believe how hard penises got, they were like wood! Which I suppose explained the term "woody". As my long delicate fingers poked and prodded his penis, I came to a sudden realisation that I had no idea how to give a handjob. I thought about what felt good on my skin, so I slowly ran my fingertips from the base of his penis to the head. Being the open girl I was, I told him I had no idea how to give a handjob, and he said that it didn't matter and it felt nice what I was doing anyway.
I cried when I dropped him at the station and refused to blink so I could stare at him just that little bit longer...
The handjob situation made me realise that I didn't actually know a whole lot about how to be great at sex, besides the attitude which I had down pretty well. I knew how to use my femininity, but where was my technique? This is when my research began on how to be the best lover I could be. I wanted to be the girl every boy talked about years and years after being with me. I wanted to be the girl who gave the best everything.
-Endrin-
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
My Second Kiss
Two days after my horrible first kiss, our host threw a bit of a party in mine and my friends honour as we were leaving the next evening. Our friend Edan finally was able to join our party which unfortunately, Brett was still attending. Having never met Edan in person before as we had all come from the same internet chat room, he was certainly right in that he was not easy on the eyes, however he seemed to grow on me throughout the evening - but that could also have been the alcohol. There was no doubt that he was bursting at the seems with charisma and I could barely keep myself from laughing at everything he said. He had a bit of a reputation for being quite the sleaze so I was very suprised at how gentleman-like he was being.
That evening everyone seemed to be tempting Edan with me. Our gay host shoved a VB can between my breasts and started to drink from it and laugh. I can tell you right now, having a gay man drink from between your tits can be a very confusing message that can only be answered with much girly giggles on my behalf, mostly to disguise my confusion. I amused myself by being rather affectionate to all the boys (minus Brett) and I discovered my first seductive or flirtatious move - running my fingers through a man's hair. After doing it to Edan, I ran my fingers down his spine and back up into his hair again. His eyes glazed over and he'd squirm with a dopey grin on his face. I was amused and positively enthralled by this new sense of power I had found. I even tried it on our host who proclaimed that he could be a closet heterosexual!
After more and more cans and bottles of alcohol acumulated onto the coffee table, someone decided to put Moulin Rouge on. Moulin Rouge has a combining effect on drunk people - half of them burst into song, and half of them pass out. Our host was first to go to bed, followed by my friend and finally Brett. Edan and I stayed up to talk until sunrise as we didn't know when we would get the opportunity to talk in person again. At some point I had promised him a massage, so I brought out my chocolate oil I had packed (which I never thought I actually would have gotten to use on my holiday) and began to work on his back as I straddled him. We had a good serious conversation about Gemma, who I ordinarily wouldn't talk about to anyone for fear of it getting back to parents or classmates, but I figured I was safe with people in another state. Whenever I'd speak to him I'd lean down and talk next to his ear. I'm not sure if I really knew I was flirting with him, I just know it felt...Nice. He assessed what he thought I would like in a man and it was creepy how acurate he was. It was nice to hear him talk about spooning and cuddling like a security thing rather than a sexual thing. He was just making me smile more and more. I ran a finger down his back and licked its chocolatey goodness. I toyed with the thought in my head before I said anything out loud.
"This is kind of weird, but, can I lick the oil off your back? Just so I can taste it better." I added quickly. He of course obliged, what man wouldn't? My intent was sexual, though heavily disguised at the same time. I moved my tongue sensuously, but tried not to make a big deal out of it. I guess with this was out of fear of rejection, if I wasn't being forward I could backtrack and say it wasn't meant to be sexual and I was purely savouring the fine taste of Swedish chocolate oil.
Eventually we moved to the bed and talked a little more. We started to cuddle a bit and I felt very content and safe. As I lightly brushed my nails along his skin, our host drifted out of his room looking for "owwie pills" and joined us for a bit and began to stroke Edan as well, probably a bit lower than Edan would have liked. I tried not to drift off to sleep but it got the better of me. I have no idea how much sleep I had, but I began to have this dream about Edan. We were kissing in the middle of the city and no one else was around, no people, no cars, nothing... As I floated back into consciousness I realised that Edan and I were kissing! At the same time I have this vague recollection of us being so close our lips were just touching and we moved them incredibly slowly, as if trying to disguise that it wasn't going to be a kiss. It took at least 15 minutes for us to actually kiss our lips were moving that slowly. My heart was racing, I had never planned this! When the fully fledged kisses began to happen, his hand lay on my shoulder and would lightly squeeze it at just the right moment. To this day, it is still the most passionate kiss I have ever had. It was also a struggle to stay awake, regardless of how hard my heart was trying to beat out of my chest. We stopped whenever we heard my friend stir on the other side of me, and when our host staggered out at some stage. Edan looked at me then looked away.
"That so wasn't my fault." He said with a smile.
"It wasn't mine either." I laughed. We were in the midst of yet another long embrace when the theme for Con Air began to play very loudly out of nowhere.
"What the fuck is that!" My friend exclaimed as he woke up. It was Edan's alarm clock on his phone, back when polyphonics were a new thing you see.
"It's great, every morning you wake up and feel like the president!" Edan said with a chuckle.
I could feel this very odd moisture on my leg and I quietly asked Edan if he had a wet dream, but he said that he had already checked. To this day I still wonder if he splooged on my leg, I guess I'll never know.
We all went out for a day on the town and met up with yet another of our chatroom buddies and had a great time in the city. Throughout the day, Edan continued to suprise me. I had never met anyone as outrageously outgoing as him. I think this thought came across my mind as he sang and danced very loudly down Southbank to "New York". We were sitting in Crown Casino having lunch and as everyone was engaged in conversation, Edan looked at me with a smile, but hesitated.
"Um, no...I'll talk to you about it later." I smiled, because I already knew what it was about.
Eventually it was time to pack our bags for Sydney. We all travelled to the airport bus stop together so our friends could see us off, but we were very early and all sat down for a drink. Edan glanced at me and tried again.
"I have to ask, what the fuck happened this morning?" We both started to laugh.
"I don't know! I just sort of woke up and thought 'hmm hang on.'" We chuckled a little more and decided everything was okay between us and there wasn't any awkwardness.
My friend and I boarded our bus and said our goodbyes, even though I wanted to stay. Edan promised to come up to Sydney soon, and it was a promise he kept...
-Endrin-
That evening everyone seemed to be tempting Edan with me. Our gay host shoved a VB can between my breasts and started to drink from it and laugh. I can tell you right now, having a gay man drink from between your tits can be a very confusing message that can only be answered with much girly giggles on my behalf, mostly to disguise my confusion. I amused myself by being rather affectionate to all the boys (minus Brett) and I discovered my first seductive or flirtatious move - running my fingers through a man's hair. After doing it to Edan, I ran my fingers down his spine and back up into his hair again. His eyes glazed over and he'd squirm with a dopey grin on his face. I was amused and positively enthralled by this new sense of power I had found. I even tried it on our host who proclaimed that he could be a closet heterosexual!
After more and more cans and bottles of alcohol acumulated onto the coffee table, someone decided to put Moulin Rouge on. Moulin Rouge has a combining effect on drunk people - half of them burst into song, and half of them pass out. Our host was first to go to bed, followed by my friend and finally Brett. Edan and I stayed up to talk until sunrise as we didn't know when we would get the opportunity to talk in person again. At some point I had promised him a massage, so I brought out my chocolate oil I had packed (which I never thought I actually would have gotten to use on my holiday) and began to work on his back as I straddled him. We had a good serious conversation about Gemma, who I ordinarily wouldn't talk about to anyone for fear of it getting back to parents or classmates, but I figured I was safe with people in another state. Whenever I'd speak to him I'd lean down and talk next to his ear. I'm not sure if I really knew I was flirting with him, I just know it felt...Nice. He assessed what he thought I would like in a man and it was creepy how acurate he was. It was nice to hear him talk about spooning and cuddling like a security thing rather than a sexual thing. He was just making me smile more and more. I ran a finger down his back and licked its chocolatey goodness. I toyed with the thought in my head before I said anything out loud.
"This is kind of weird, but, can I lick the oil off your back? Just so I can taste it better." I added quickly. He of course obliged, what man wouldn't? My intent was sexual, though heavily disguised at the same time. I moved my tongue sensuously, but tried not to make a big deal out of it. I guess with this was out of fear of rejection, if I wasn't being forward I could backtrack and say it wasn't meant to be sexual and I was purely savouring the fine taste of Swedish chocolate oil.
Eventually we moved to the bed and talked a little more. We started to cuddle a bit and I felt very content and safe. As I lightly brushed my nails along his skin, our host drifted out of his room looking for "owwie pills" and joined us for a bit and began to stroke Edan as well, probably a bit lower than Edan would have liked. I tried not to drift off to sleep but it got the better of me. I have no idea how much sleep I had, but I began to have this dream about Edan. We were kissing in the middle of the city and no one else was around, no people, no cars, nothing... As I floated back into consciousness I realised that Edan and I were kissing! At the same time I have this vague recollection of us being so close our lips were just touching and we moved them incredibly slowly, as if trying to disguise that it wasn't going to be a kiss. It took at least 15 minutes for us to actually kiss our lips were moving that slowly. My heart was racing, I had never planned this! When the fully fledged kisses began to happen, his hand lay on my shoulder and would lightly squeeze it at just the right moment. To this day, it is still the most passionate kiss I have ever had. It was also a struggle to stay awake, regardless of how hard my heart was trying to beat out of my chest. We stopped whenever we heard my friend stir on the other side of me, and when our host staggered out at some stage. Edan looked at me then looked away.
"That so wasn't my fault." He said with a smile.
"It wasn't mine either." I laughed. We were in the midst of yet another long embrace when the theme for Con Air began to play very loudly out of nowhere.
"What the fuck is that!" My friend exclaimed as he woke up. It was Edan's alarm clock on his phone, back when polyphonics were a new thing you see.
"It's great, every morning you wake up and feel like the president!" Edan said with a chuckle.
I could feel this very odd moisture on my leg and I quietly asked Edan if he had a wet dream, but he said that he had already checked. To this day I still wonder if he splooged on my leg, I guess I'll never know.
We all went out for a day on the town and met up with yet another of our chatroom buddies and had a great time in the city. Throughout the day, Edan continued to suprise me. I had never met anyone as outrageously outgoing as him. I think this thought came across my mind as he sang and danced very loudly down Southbank to "New York". We were sitting in Crown Casino having lunch and as everyone was engaged in conversation, Edan looked at me with a smile, but hesitated.
"Um, no...I'll talk to you about it later." I smiled, because I already knew what it was about.
Eventually it was time to pack our bags for Sydney. We all travelled to the airport bus stop together so our friends could see us off, but we were very early and all sat down for a drink. Edan glanced at me and tried again.
"I have to ask, what the fuck happened this morning?" We both started to laugh.
"I don't know! I just sort of woke up and thought 'hmm hang on.'" We chuckled a little more and decided everything was okay between us and there wasn't any awkwardness.
My friend and I boarded our bus and said our goodbyes, even though I wanted to stay. Edan promised to come up to Sydney soon, and it was a promise he kept...
-Endrin-
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
My First Kiss
My first kiss was something I had always dreamed about, even when I was with Gemma. I often would drift off into a dream of the perfect kiss. One day I got that perfect kiss, just not with the perfect man!
When I was 17 on summer holidays, I was on a holiday down south in Melbourne, Australia with a friend of mine. To celebrate our welcome, our friend whom we were staying with threw a bit of a party and invited over someone who my friend and I were somewhat acquainted with online. We all had many drinks and were all chatting throughout the night. I had my suspicions that this acquaintance, Brett, was interested in me. As usual I shrugged it off as it was always a figment of my imagination whenever I thought a man was interested. Brett increasingly became more affectionate throughout the evening and my friend at one point suggested he was into me, but I waved at the idea modestly.
Once everyone had sobered up, our host had gone to bed and my friend was slowly drifting off to sleep himself. Brett said he was going outside for a smoke. I looked around at the dimly lit room, my friend curled up in a blanket and finally to the stars out the window. If I had any chance of getting my first kiss now would be the time. I crawled out of bed and followed Brett outside. I can't remember exactly what short conversation was exchanged. I didn't find myself particularly attracted to Brett, and I certainly wasn't a fan of smokers. I observed my surroundings. It was a cool summer night, the second, maybe third story of a block of flats looking out at the beautiful city lights on the nearby horizon of Melbourne at three or four in the morning... I looked at Brett, and he at me. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, "This is it!" I thought to myself - a moment I had waited most of my life for. The kiss itself was absolutely nothing special. All I could taste was cigerette and his tongue didn't feel right on mine, his mouth didn't open wide enough for my liking. He was very repetitive and was very dull at kissing. Within about 5 seconds (which felt like about 15 awful ones) his hand somehow slipped straight up my short shorts to try to touch me. I could not believe it! I was horrified and backed off immediately.
"I think I'll go back inside." I said with a nervous laugh and headed back indoors. Brett tried to convince me to stay in his bed with him but after that little display I very much wanted to just lay in my own bed with my friend. Much to my disgust, he kissed me goodnight. Almost shuddering, I down next to my friend on the sofa bed. Not only did I have my first kiss (or what I determined as my first kiss) but within seconds he had tried to cop a feel of my nether regions! I was disgusted and my already moderate opinion of him lowered. My friend rolled over to face me. Embarassingly, my friend had seen Brett kiss me goodnight.
"Did he make you touch his cock? Are you alright? Do you want me to kill him?" He whispered. I laughed and was glad I had a friend looking out for me.
Overall, I'd say my first kiss was the most perfect setting I could ask for, just a terrible person to have it with! The rest of my four day holiday was a nightmare because Brett refused to go home and followed my friend and I around until we left the state!
Little did I know my second kiss was soon to follow only a day or two later...
-Endrin-
When I was 17 on summer holidays, I was on a holiday down south in Melbourne, Australia with a friend of mine. To celebrate our welcome, our friend whom we were staying with threw a bit of a party and invited over someone who my friend and I were somewhat acquainted with online. We all had many drinks and were all chatting throughout the night. I had my suspicions that this acquaintance, Brett, was interested in me. As usual I shrugged it off as it was always a figment of my imagination whenever I thought a man was interested. Brett increasingly became more affectionate throughout the evening and my friend at one point suggested he was into me, but I waved at the idea modestly.
Once everyone had sobered up, our host had gone to bed and my friend was slowly drifting off to sleep himself. Brett said he was going outside for a smoke. I looked around at the dimly lit room, my friend curled up in a blanket and finally to the stars out the window. If I had any chance of getting my first kiss now would be the time. I crawled out of bed and followed Brett outside. I can't remember exactly what short conversation was exchanged. I didn't find myself particularly attracted to Brett, and I certainly wasn't a fan of smokers. I observed my surroundings. It was a cool summer night, the second, maybe third story of a block of flats looking out at the beautiful city lights on the nearby horizon of Melbourne at three or four in the morning... I looked at Brett, and he at me. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, "This is it!" I thought to myself - a moment I had waited most of my life for. The kiss itself was absolutely nothing special. All I could taste was cigerette and his tongue didn't feel right on mine, his mouth didn't open wide enough for my liking. He was very repetitive and was very dull at kissing. Within about 5 seconds (which felt like about 15 awful ones) his hand somehow slipped straight up my short shorts to try to touch me. I could not believe it! I was horrified and backed off immediately.
"I think I'll go back inside." I said with a nervous laugh and headed back indoors. Brett tried to convince me to stay in his bed with him but after that little display I very much wanted to just lay in my own bed with my friend. Much to my disgust, he kissed me goodnight. Almost shuddering, I down next to my friend on the sofa bed. Not only did I have my first kiss (or what I determined as my first kiss) but within seconds he had tried to cop a feel of my nether regions! I was disgusted and my already moderate opinion of him lowered. My friend rolled over to face me. Embarassingly, my friend had seen Brett kiss me goodnight.
"Did he make you touch his cock? Are you alright? Do you want me to kill him?" He whispered. I laughed and was glad I had a friend looking out for me.
Overall, I'd say my first kiss was the most perfect setting I could ask for, just a terrible person to have it with! The rest of my four day holiday was a nightmare because Brett refused to go home and followed my friend and I around until we left the state!
Little did I know my second kiss was soon to follow only a day or two later...
-Endrin-
Monday, 13 August 2007
Coincidence? I think not.
Gemma and I, being underage, could never just walk into a sex shop and buy any old lil dildo to penetrate each other with. So we, like other young or shy women, hunted for household objects.
Now when I was younger, I remember trying to use a pen to penetrate myself with, but as I wasn't really aroused at the time, it was a very difficult task to do. However, since being with Gemma we had played around with one finger, two fingers, hell even four or five if the mood struck us right! We never bought our own lube, we didn't really need it. But of course, eventually the time came where we wanted something just that little bit more phallic.
There is a lot of things in your household that you can use to masturbate with. Popular choices seem to be hairbrush handles, toothbrushes even candles. And those are just the phallic kind! Lets not forget the wonders of showerheads and electric toothbrushes! But when Gemma and I went looking for something to play with, funnily enough we didn't even think about any of those.
Impulse deoderant cans.*
A good thickness, a good height. We'd have to heat it up by laying on it first, otherwise it was very cold. With enough time and patience we could penetrate each other with it. From what I recall, it was a bottle of "Alive". The irony. Alive is sure how I felt when I felt this large phallic object inserted into me, pretending it was attatched to my girlfriend. In the literal terms of virginity, being the breaking of the hymen, I lost my virginity to a deoderant can. Then again the hymen can break any number of ways, girls have "lots their virginity" on a horse (not the way you think you dirty perverts! The up and down action of riding can cause it to break), or during gymnastics. Nevertheless, it makes for an interesting conversation starter.
Now the funny thing about Impulse cans is that they are exactly 14cm in height which funnily enough, is the average size (according to many sources) of the male penis.
Coincidence? I think not. The makers of Impulse definately knew how to market for women.
-Endrin-
*Disclaimer: Apparently it is not good for you to masturbate heavily with a deoderant can as the bottom of it can act like a plunger as it dips in and can cause some problems. I think a few slow thrusts is okay, thay way if it does start to "pull" you would feel it, but I certainly wouldnt reccomend it for fast and hard penetration.
Now when I was younger, I remember trying to use a pen to penetrate myself with, but as I wasn't really aroused at the time, it was a very difficult task to do. However, since being with Gemma we had played around with one finger, two fingers, hell even four or five if the mood struck us right! We never bought our own lube, we didn't really need it. But of course, eventually the time came where we wanted something just that little bit more phallic.
There is a lot of things in your household that you can use to masturbate with. Popular choices seem to be hairbrush handles, toothbrushes even candles. And those are just the phallic kind! Lets not forget the wonders of showerheads and electric toothbrushes! But when Gemma and I went looking for something to play with, funnily enough we didn't even think about any of those.
Impulse deoderant cans.*
A good thickness, a good height. We'd have to heat it up by laying on it first, otherwise it was very cold. With enough time and patience we could penetrate each other with it. From what I recall, it was a bottle of "Alive". The irony. Alive is sure how I felt when I felt this large phallic object inserted into me, pretending it was attatched to my girlfriend. In the literal terms of virginity, being the breaking of the hymen, I lost my virginity to a deoderant can. Then again the hymen can break any number of ways, girls have "lots their virginity" on a horse (not the way you think you dirty perverts! The up and down action of riding can cause it to break), or during gymnastics. Nevertheless, it makes for an interesting conversation starter.
Now the funny thing about Impulse cans is that they are exactly 14cm in height which funnily enough, is the average size (according to many sources) of the male penis.
Coincidence? I think not. The makers of Impulse definately knew how to market for women.
-Endrin-
*Disclaimer: Apparently it is not good for you to masturbate heavily with a deoderant can as the bottom of it can act like a plunger as it dips in and can cause some problems. I think a few slow thrusts is okay, thay way if it does start to "pull" you would feel it, but I certainly wouldnt reccomend it for fast and hard penetration.
Monday, 6 August 2007
Thoughts on Sexuality in Early High School.
After re-reading some old diaries from when I was in high school, I made a few discoveries about myself. My first one being that I was quite the cyber slut (at 12 and 13) having many boyfriends online and in role playing chatrooms, and that I thought that female masturbation was "disgusting". My entry from the 5th November, 1999 is as follows...
"I got this message on the internet (icq) saying "let's talk about sex", and I'm like "NO!" but the person turns out he just wanted to know about other people's opinions. I said "how often do you get erections?" and he said "a lot. About one every few hours" and I'm thinking "you horny little devil." I wanted to cyber but was too shy to ask. I wonder what it's like, ya know. And he said "Do girls ever manipulate themselves?" (referring to female masturbation) and I said "Only stupid ones!"
"Why are they stupid?"
"Why not have the real thing." I replied.
...
Reading this entry made me kind of sad. Sure, my sexual curiosity was healthy, but why did I think female masturbation was wrong, or for "stupid girls"? To be honest, I'm not sure I actually thought that. I vaguely remember thinking that people (or at least other girls) thought less of someone who masturbated. We all knew boys did it, but during my entire high school years I only ever remember two girls actually telling me they had masturbated. Why is it such a shameful thing for women? Why was or is it socially acceptable for men to do it but not girls? So many questions I ask myself about why masturbating as a female is such a wrong thing to do.
An entry I found from September 2001 tells the story of when I spoke to Tarryn, a premiscuous girl in my class. She told me about her "lesbian experiences" and how they were alright and other sexual encounters. As a complete virgin, her stories fascinated me yet horrified me at the same time. My thoughts were as follows...
It made me think. She was saying it was okay, and it's been hard to admit to myself, but I thought I might be the tiniest bit... Bisexual. I think it's because of that my body can't wait and I want to pash anyone. I find myself thinking about it, and with...Steph. I know its weird, whenever I think about it I stop and go "ewww" and yeah, I don't want to say anymore.
...
I remember this being such a passing thought, becuase, as I felt with Gemma later on, I was terrified as to what it could mean. A lot of it got me thinking about what they do and don't teach you in high school. They only ever tell you how it works and what ovaries and testes are, they barely cover controception but I do remember a lot of STI talk which was something. I think as a part of sex ed that kids should also be taught about masturbation and sexual preference, and how both things are healthy. Things like the media and religion dismiss masturbation and homosexuality as being "wrong" or "dirty", if there is anywhere kids would believe otherwise, its if it was taught in school. So many people could be saved so much humilliation this way and lead much more self-fullfilling sex lives in the future.
-Endrin-
"I got this message on the internet (icq) saying "let's talk about sex", and I'm like "NO!" but the person turns out he just wanted to know about other people's opinions. I said "how often do you get erections?" and he said "a lot. About one every few hours" and I'm thinking "you horny little devil." I wanted to cyber but was too shy to ask. I wonder what it's like, ya know. And he said "Do girls ever manipulate themselves?" (referring to female masturbation) and I said "Only stupid ones!"
"Why are they stupid?"
"Why not have the real thing." I replied.
...
Reading this entry made me kind of sad. Sure, my sexual curiosity was healthy, but why did I think female masturbation was wrong, or for "stupid girls"? To be honest, I'm not sure I actually thought that. I vaguely remember thinking that people (or at least other girls) thought less of someone who masturbated. We all knew boys did it, but during my entire high school years I only ever remember two girls actually telling me they had masturbated. Why is it such a shameful thing for women? Why was or is it socially acceptable for men to do it but not girls? So many questions I ask myself about why masturbating as a female is such a wrong thing to do.
An entry I found from September 2001 tells the story of when I spoke to Tarryn, a premiscuous girl in my class. She told me about her "lesbian experiences" and how they were alright and other sexual encounters. As a complete virgin, her stories fascinated me yet horrified me at the same time. My thoughts were as follows...
It made me think. She was saying it was okay, and it's been hard to admit to myself, but I thought I might be the tiniest bit... Bisexual. I think it's because of that my body can't wait and I want to pash anyone. I find myself thinking about it, and with...Steph. I know its weird, whenever I think about it I stop and go "ewww" and yeah, I don't want to say anymore.
...
I remember this being such a passing thought, becuase, as I felt with Gemma later on, I was terrified as to what it could mean. A lot of it got me thinking about what they do and don't teach you in high school. They only ever tell you how it works and what ovaries and testes are, they barely cover controception but I do remember a lot of STI talk which was something. I think as a part of sex ed that kids should also be taught about masturbation and sexual preference, and how both things are healthy. Things like the media and religion dismiss masturbation and homosexuality as being "wrong" or "dirty", if there is anywhere kids would believe otherwise, its if it was taught in school. So many people could be saved so much humilliation this way and lead much more self-fullfilling sex lives in the future.
-Endrin-
Tuesday, 31 July 2007
My Girlfriend's Boyfriend
Gemma and I had started hanging around a group of boys from another high school, some of whom I knew back from primary school seven years beforehand. Gemma would often talk about one boy in particular named Adrian. I myself had been eying off one of the boys I knew from primary school who had grown into such a handsome young man.
We often sat around and giggled about how fun it would be to go out with them both at the same time with double dates and all the rest of it. Both being very innocent however (with the exception of each other), we didn't really intend on doing anything about it.
As per usual, the boys in the group gave Gemma quite a lot of attention, where I was just looked over as "one of the boys". For me, it was comforting, yet annoying. I liked that I could fit in very easily with the guys, join in on a lot of their conversations, but at the same time I hated not being recognised as a beautiful woman, as they all saw Gemma. I got quite down at times, questioning myself if I would ever find a man to admire me as much as men admired my Gemma. I had wondered many times if I was even remotely good looking! Privately, I got a little smug sometimes as it was my girl they were all oggling. That is, until I got a phonecall from Gemma one evening.
"He asked me out!" She exclaimed. I wasn't really too sure what to say as three emotions came whooshing into me. First and foremost, I was jealous. Why hadn't any of the boys, especially Allen, the cute boy from primary school, asked me out? What made her so much better over me? I visualised her sweeping blonde hair and sparkling eyes as I drew a deep breath. Sometimes I felt that I took for granted what a beautiful amazing girl she was. My second emotion was fear. Had I lost her forever? Would she change once she had gotten a boyfriend? I had had friends in the past who had turned sour on their friends after obtaining a boyfriend. Perhaps it was because they felt a boyfriend was all they needed now and friends weren't important, or perhaps they felt it gave them an elevated status above the friends who didn't or had never had a boyfriend. My final emotion was happiness, that my best friend had gotten what she desired and deserved.
"That's great!" I replied.
"..You okay?"
"Yeah..." I trailed.
"We won't be together forever, I love you. I'll always come back." I'm not sure why, but I had believed this. Who ever believes anyone when they say they'll come back?
Gemma and Adrian had been going out a few weeks when I was over her place for a visit. Being curious about this foreign subject of boy, I was very inquisitive about him. I was also a little horrified and dissapointed in her that she had already touched his dick.
"So... Does it really get hard?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah," she nodded. "Way harder than you would think, almost like a rock!" I didn't really have much to say, I was quite bemused. We spoke some more about the wonders of boys, when she started telling me of a few problems she was having with him. Looking back, I can't remember what they were, but they were big enough for her to complain to me about them. Suddenly, the strangest thing happened. I hadn't been doing anything, other than sitting and listening, I was not flirting or gazing into her eyes, but out of nowhere, she seduced me. Somewhere in the back of my mind my conscience tugged on my sleeve saying 'wuh oh, baad idea!' but my conscience was easy enough to forget. The kisses were passionate, as though we had been seperated for months. I knew she hadn't intended on yet breaking up with her boyfriend, I knew perfectly well she was cheating on him with me, but at the same time, my god did it make me feel like an attractive girl. To be sitting in her room, doing nothing, and to then suddenly get pounced upon was a tremendous boost to my ego. Perhaps this is why women (and men too I presume) commit adultery, because somebody wants them, they want to feel passion again. It makes them feel appreciated and sexy.
Sadly, this was not the last time this happened...
-Endrin-
We often sat around and giggled about how fun it would be to go out with them both at the same time with double dates and all the rest of it. Both being very innocent however (with the exception of each other), we didn't really intend on doing anything about it.
As per usual, the boys in the group gave Gemma quite a lot of attention, where I was just looked over as "one of the boys". For me, it was comforting, yet annoying. I liked that I could fit in very easily with the guys, join in on a lot of their conversations, but at the same time I hated not being recognised as a beautiful woman, as they all saw Gemma. I got quite down at times, questioning myself if I would ever find a man to admire me as much as men admired my Gemma. I had wondered many times if I was even remotely good looking! Privately, I got a little smug sometimes as it was my girl they were all oggling. That is, until I got a phonecall from Gemma one evening.
"He asked me out!" She exclaimed. I wasn't really too sure what to say as three emotions came whooshing into me. First and foremost, I was jealous. Why hadn't any of the boys, especially Allen, the cute boy from primary school, asked me out? What made her so much better over me? I visualised her sweeping blonde hair and sparkling eyes as I drew a deep breath. Sometimes I felt that I took for granted what a beautiful amazing girl she was. My second emotion was fear. Had I lost her forever? Would she change once she had gotten a boyfriend? I had had friends in the past who had turned sour on their friends after obtaining a boyfriend. Perhaps it was because they felt a boyfriend was all they needed now and friends weren't important, or perhaps they felt it gave them an elevated status above the friends who didn't or had never had a boyfriend. My final emotion was happiness, that my best friend had gotten what she desired and deserved.
"That's great!" I replied.
"..You okay?"
"Yeah..." I trailed.
"We won't be together forever, I love you. I'll always come back." I'm not sure why, but I had believed this. Who ever believes anyone when they say they'll come back?
Gemma and Adrian had been going out a few weeks when I was over her place for a visit. Being curious about this foreign subject of boy, I was very inquisitive about him. I was also a little horrified and dissapointed in her that she had already touched his dick.
"So... Does it really get hard?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah," she nodded. "Way harder than you would think, almost like a rock!" I didn't really have much to say, I was quite bemused. We spoke some more about the wonders of boys, when she started telling me of a few problems she was having with him. Looking back, I can't remember what they were, but they were big enough for her to complain to me about them. Suddenly, the strangest thing happened. I hadn't been doing anything, other than sitting and listening, I was not flirting or gazing into her eyes, but out of nowhere, she seduced me. Somewhere in the back of my mind my conscience tugged on my sleeve saying 'wuh oh, baad idea!' but my conscience was easy enough to forget. The kisses were passionate, as though we had been seperated for months. I knew she hadn't intended on yet breaking up with her boyfriend, I knew perfectly well she was cheating on him with me, but at the same time, my god did it make me feel like an attractive girl. To be sitting in her room, doing nothing, and to then suddenly get pounced upon was a tremendous boost to my ego. Perhaps this is why women (and men too I presume) commit adultery, because somebody wants them, they want to feel passion again. It makes them feel appreciated and sexy.
Sadly, this was not the last time this happened...
-Endrin-
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Busted
Despite our best efforts, Gemma and I broke our rule several times. Countless times we couldn't resist and passionately expressed our love in the darkroom, and we had started to engage in activities when her family was home...
For some obscure reason, Gemma and I were sleeping on the floor on a mattress. I was pulled out of my sleep from a soft kiss placed upon my lips. I heaved open an eye to see her dazzling eyes gazing back at me wide awake. I smiled, but closed my eyes again. I could feel her hand find my hips and drag her fingertips lightly across my waist. Immediately I began to feel the tingles in my vuvla, my warning lights for the flash flood that was approaching in my crotch. Her fingers found my clit and she lightly began to move her finger in circles. I could feel a cool breeze from where the covers had been lifted back by her.
"Gem, can you put the covers over me? You know you don't have a lock on your door." I whispered. She grinned and pulled the covers over her hand as she continued to work me. Sporadically her fingers would dip down just inside my opening, sending small shudders through my lower back and thighs. I gazed into her eyes as they glistened with mischief. She pulled her quilt covers higher and began to slide down my body. A small kiss on my hips from the big quilt covered lump, barely disdinguishable becuase of the amount of covers we had over us. I felt her hand grasp my other hip and her warm breath travel over my mound. Her moist tongue slipped between my lips and I pressed my head back against the pillow. I feared to make a single sound as it was early morning and we could hear people wandering around. Her tongue rolled around my inner lips and found my succulent clitoris, when-
"-Wheres Gemma?" Her 11 year old brother threw open the door. Never in all my life had I been so terrified. I froze. My brain and guts felt like they had been vacuumed out of me in an instant. I felt Gemma freeze between my legs as well.
"She's...." I searched my mind, "Hiding!" No sooner had I said that, she had squiggled her way towards the end of the covers and popped out.
"Suprise! What do you want?" She replied to her brother.
I can't remember the conversation after that as I just became blank. I do remember that I couldn't have sex that day because I was too freaked out. For the rest of that day, we thanked god her brother was only 11 and clearly didn't have a clue as to what was really going on under her sheets. I often wonder if he has ever looked back on that moment five or six years ago and realise what had happened, or if it was just a passing memory of his late childhood. I guess I'll never know, and personally, I think I'd like to keep it that way!
-Endrin-
For some obscure reason, Gemma and I were sleeping on the floor on a mattress. I was pulled out of my sleep from a soft kiss placed upon my lips. I heaved open an eye to see her dazzling eyes gazing back at me wide awake. I smiled, but closed my eyes again. I could feel her hand find my hips and drag her fingertips lightly across my waist. Immediately I began to feel the tingles in my vuvla, my warning lights for the flash flood that was approaching in my crotch. Her fingers found my clit and she lightly began to move her finger in circles. I could feel a cool breeze from where the covers had been lifted back by her.
"Gem, can you put the covers over me? You know you don't have a lock on your door." I whispered. She grinned and pulled the covers over her hand as she continued to work me. Sporadically her fingers would dip down just inside my opening, sending small shudders through my lower back and thighs. I gazed into her eyes as they glistened with mischief. She pulled her quilt covers higher and began to slide down my body. A small kiss on my hips from the big quilt covered lump, barely disdinguishable becuase of the amount of covers we had over us. I felt her hand grasp my other hip and her warm breath travel over my mound. Her moist tongue slipped between my lips and I pressed my head back against the pillow. I feared to make a single sound as it was early morning and we could hear people wandering around. Her tongue rolled around my inner lips and found my succulent clitoris, when-
"-Wheres Gemma?" Her 11 year old brother threw open the door. Never in all my life had I been so terrified. I froze. My brain and guts felt like they had been vacuumed out of me in an instant. I felt Gemma freeze between my legs as well.
"She's...." I searched my mind, "Hiding!" No sooner had I said that, she had squiggled her way towards the end of the covers and popped out.
"Suprise! What do you want?" She replied to her brother.
I can't remember the conversation after that as I just became blank. I do remember that I couldn't have sex that day because I was too freaked out. For the rest of that day, we thanked god her brother was only 11 and clearly didn't have a clue as to what was really going on under her sheets. I often wonder if he has ever looked back on that moment five or six years ago and realise what had happened, or if it was just a passing memory of his late childhood. I guess I'll never know, and personally, I think I'd like to keep it that way!
-Endrin-
Monday, 16 July 2007
Dedicated Photography Students
Relationships are all about boundaries. In risqué relationships, a lot of these boundaries revolve around sex and where and when it can and is appropriate to be done. Gemma and I had two strict rules about our relationship; no sex at her place while family was home, and under no circumstances - no sex at school. It's funny how often passion can overcome our sense of what is right and what can be right now.
One week later...
In year 11 after a photography class, Gemma and I stayed behind in the darkroom to make some extra prints. I love photography, I always have. I would spend endless lunchtimes or recesses frantically making test strip upon test trip, trying to get the perfect print. Photography was a real passion. As was Gemma...
Gemma was standing over near the running water tank as I slipped my print into the developer. I took a few steps towards her, bearing a massive grin. She looked at me uneasily, then smirked. I took another two steps forward, our bodies barely seperated, our lips almost meeting.
"I thought you didn't want to do anything at school?" She smiled. Witty comebacks were never my forte, so instead I abruptly pushed my lips onto hers. I could feel her almost fall apart on the spot with lust. I pressed my breasts against her chest and brushed my stomach with hers. As I locked onto her lips, I raised my hand and laid it gently on her side, dragging it lightly down to her waist. I could feel her breath on my cheek getting shorter. Instinctively I pushed my pelvis into hers, tugging at her hips. I could feel her warmth radiating from below her skirt onto me. I badly wanted to slide my hand up her thigh but held myself back. I didn't care to get busted wrist deep in my girlfriend in a Catholic school.
After what seemed like an eternity and a just a fleeting moment all in one, we parted. She gave me a wink of approval and I strutted back to the developer trays as I moved my print to the stop bath.
-Endrin-
One week later...
In year 11 after a photography class, Gemma and I stayed behind in the darkroom to make some extra prints. I love photography, I always have. I would spend endless lunchtimes or recesses frantically making test strip upon test trip, trying to get the perfect print. Photography was a real passion. As was Gemma...
Gemma was standing over near the running water tank as I slipped my print into the developer. I took a few steps towards her, bearing a massive grin. She looked at me uneasily, then smirked. I took another two steps forward, our bodies barely seperated, our lips almost meeting.
"I thought you didn't want to do anything at school?" She smiled. Witty comebacks were never my forte, so instead I abruptly pushed my lips onto hers. I could feel her almost fall apart on the spot with lust. I pressed my breasts against her chest and brushed my stomach with hers. As I locked onto her lips, I raised my hand and laid it gently on her side, dragging it lightly down to her waist. I could feel her breath on my cheek getting shorter. Instinctively I pushed my pelvis into hers, tugging at her hips. I could feel her warmth radiating from below her skirt onto me. I badly wanted to slide my hand up her thigh but held myself back. I didn't care to get busted wrist deep in my girlfriend in a Catholic school.
After what seemed like an eternity and a just a fleeting moment all in one, we parted. She gave me a wink of approval and I strutted back to the developer trays as I moved my print to the stop bath.
-Endrin-
Monday, 9 July 2007
And She Said
So have you ever liked someone of the same sex? It certainly is something that sends the brain into turmoil. First you wonder how to deal with it, then you wonder if you can "fix" it because there is no way the other person would feel the same... Would they?
On one of the many phone calls to Gemma came a topic I certainly wasn't expecting.
"Remember when you said you had a crush on me?" Gemma asked. My mind went blank and my stomach spiralled out of my body like a drill.
"uhh, yeah..." I had no idea where this was going. Surely I was about to be busted. This was the end of the line, I couldn't get myself out of this. I had dug a hole so deep that China would be suprised to see me.
"Well," she sounded a little awkward. I knew she had figured out that I liked her. Scenarios of school brewed in my mind, she'd tell a friend, and they'd tell a friend, and soon the whole school would be calling me a lesbian and a dyke and nothing would ever be the same again. The tiniest ray of hope entered my mind, what if she doesn't care? What if she likes the idea of currently being a girl's crush... She liked the idea when it was told as a story of the past, why wouldn't she like it now? "I was just wondering... Do you still have that crush on me?" I paused. I had to pause. I was full of so many emotions! Still, if she had figured it out there was no point in hiding it. She was my best friend after all.
"... Yes. Why do you ask?"
"Hmm, well... I kinda have a crush on you too." My entire body froze. I wasn't expecting this. This isn't how it was planned. I wasn't supposed to like a girl, and she certainly wasn't supposed to like me back. This was not what I had planned for my teenhood a few years eariler.
"Wow, well... I'm glad I'm not the only one!" I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
"So... You like me, I like you..." Gemma trailed.
"Yeah." I affirmed. I had no idea what to say. What was I supposed to say? 'Bang up job toots, top choice!' Eugh. I waited for her response. I wondered if she felt as anxious as I did.
"So what do we do about it?" She asked. I was not prepared for this at all. I didn't want this feeling to be outed, I hadn't even thought that it would have been reciprocated!
"Well... I don't know. I mean, I like you but what about school..." I frantically started picking at my nails nervously.
"Well, we wouldn't have to tell anyone. Everyone at school would give us shit, and we definately couldn't tell our parents." She replied. It seems she knew as well as I did how doomed we would be if anyone knew about us.
"Yeah... It would definately have to be kept a strict secret. We shouldn't do anything at school, even if we are alone. It's just too risky. We can't have anyone finding out." I said. I was still trying to come to terms with what on earth was happening.
"I agree."
"So what happens if one of us meets a guy? I mean, we obviously can't be exclusive."
"Well, we could have an open arrangement. Obviously realistically things won't last forever between us, so if one of us meets a guy, we go for it." We were definately on the same wavelength. To me it didn't feel real, I don't know what it felt like. What I did know was that I still wanted a boyfriend, so I was very glad that she wouldn't get in the way of that.
"Yeah, sounds good." I replied. I still couldn't believe this was happening yet at the same time it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. "Would you like to come over tomorrow?" I asked. Somehow, regardless of how bizarre and nervewracking the conversation we just had was, everything felt normal. There wasn't one bit of awkwardness between us.
"Sure!" She replied eagerly. "I'll see you at 10."
As I hung up the phone I stared out the window, relfecting on what had just happened. I had just aquired myself a girlfriend.
-Endrin-
On one of the many phone calls to Gemma came a topic I certainly wasn't expecting.
"Remember when you said you had a crush on me?" Gemma asked. My mind went blank and my stomach spiralled out of my body like a drill.
"uhh, yeah..." I had no idea where this was going. Surely I was about to be busted. This was the end of the line, I couldn't get myself out of this. I had dug a hole so deep that China would be suprised to see me.
"Well," she sounded a little awkward. I knew she had figured out that I liked her. Scenarios of school brewed in my mind, she'd tell a friend, and they'd tell a friend, and soon the whole school would be calling me a lesbian and a dyke and nothing would ever be the same again. The tiniest ray of hope entered my mind, what if she doesn't care? What if she likes the idea of currently being a girl's crush... She liked the idea when it was told as a story of the past, why wouldn't she like it now? "I was just wondering... Do you still have that crush on me?" I paused. I had to pause. I was full of so many emotions! Still, if she had figured it out there was no point in hiding it. She was my best friend after all.
"... Yes. Why do you ask?"
"Hmm, well... I kinda have a crush on you too." My entire body froze. I wasn't expecting this. This isn't how it was planned. I wasn't supposed to like a girl, and she certainly wasn't supposed to like me back. This was not what I had planned for my teenhood a few years eariler.
"Wow, well... I'm glad I'm not the only one!" I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
"So... You like me, I like you..." Gemma trailed.
"Yeah." I affirmed. I had no idea what to say. What was I supposed to say? 'Bang up job toots, top choice!' Eugh. I waited for her response. I wondered if she felt as anxious as I did.
"So what do we do about it?" She asked. I was not prepared for this at all. I didn't want this feeling to be outed, I hadn't even thought that it would have been reciprocated!
"Well... I don't know. I mean, I like you but what about school..." I frantically started picking at my nails nervously.
"Well, we wouldn't have to tell anyone. Everyone at school would give us shit, and we definately couldn't tell our parents." She replied. It seems she knew as well as I did how doomed we would be if anyone knew about us.
"Yeah... It would definately have to be kept a strict secret. We shouldn't do anything at school, even if we are alone. It's just too risky. We can't have anyone finding out." I said. I was still trying to come to terms with what on earth was happening.
"I agree."
"So what happens if one of us meets a guy? I mean, we obviously can't be exclusive."
"Well, we could have an open arrangement. Obviously realistically things won't last forever between us, so if one of us meets a guy, we go for it." We were definately on the same wavelength. To me it didn't feel real, I don't know what it felt like. What I did know was that I still wanted a boyfriend, so I was very glad that she wouldn't get in the way of that.
"Yeah, sounds good." I replied. I still couldn't believe this was happening yet at the same time it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. "Would you like to come over tomorrow?" I asked. Somehow, regardless of how bizarre and nervewracking the conversation we just had was, everything felt normal. There wasn't one bit of awkwardness between us.
"Sure!" She replied eagerly. "I'll see you at 10."
As I hung up the phone I stared out the window, relfecting on what had just happened. I had just aquired myself a girlfriend.
-Endrin-
Monday, 2 July 2007
Coming to Terms With My Sexuality
During my high school years, all I ever dreamt of was a boy to love me, to hold me, and of course to brutally pound me. Although I went to an all girls school, most of my friends had a boyfriend by year 8 and most definately by year 9. We had several school discos with our partner boy's school. I tried everything to get the boys to look at me, to ask me to dance. I wore heavy make up, I wore the most peculiar clothes that were so tight you could almost see food digesting, but still, no boy ever asked me to dance or even took a second look at me. It consumed my mind sometimes, these frequent thoughts of loneliness - when all my friends were talking about what a great kisser Ben, Harrison and Daniel were. One thing I did notice about boys is that they always seemed to hurt and break my friends' hearts. If I wasn't bitter about them enough for not giving me any attention, this certainly didn't do them any favours.
After a while, boys just irritated me. They clearly didn't like me for whatever reason, and always seemed to be pressuring my friends into sex, or cheating on them or always saying and doing the wrong thing. Boys, I convinced myself, were a complete waste of time.
In year 9 when I was 14, a new girl had arrived early in the year, Gemma. She was a very attractive girl, long blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes; deep cobalt like the depths of the ocean. She was friends with a few of my friends and soon learned about my religious beliefs of Paganism. I would often get asked about my religion, but never as much as Gemma asked me. I found it flattering in a way, that she became so fascinated. We quickly became friends, best friends in fact. We were in every class together and you would never see one of us without the other. Every night we would call each other and talk for at least 4 hours without fail.
Daydreaming is a mysterious thing. It's amazing what obscure things your imagination can come up with whilst sitting a maths test. I was thinking about Gemma and for a brief moment had this bizarre feeling. I had this momentary desire to touch her. Anywhere. Even just a lingering hug. I quickly dismissed it as I had done the previous year when I had a similar odd feeling about another female friend. This yearning, though I wasn't quite sure what it was, happened a few times. I could tell Gemma anything, and I wanted to tell her about it. But I was frightened of how she would react. I thought of a way as vague as possible to explain these peculiar thoughts.
"Haha, you know what's funny? I used to have a crush on you when you first started." I told her one night on the phone. I held my breath, terrified of what she would say.
"Really? Wow, that's pretty cool! I don't think I've had a girl have a crush on me before haha."
"Well, it was ages ago." I quickly added in case she suspected something. In case I suspected something! There was no way I could actually like a girl, is there? Of course not...
Like me, Gemma had never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a boy. This baffled me. Her long silky blonde hair, her big penetrating blue eyes, her long dancer legs... How could any boy resist her?
Yet another school disco was coming up and as usual, I didn't want to go. Why would I want to go somewhere with music I don't really like, wear clothes I'm not too comfortable in, and be ignored by over 150 boys? Still, Gemma was going so I thought I would tag along for the company. Throughout the evening I socialised with some of my other friends and as usual, was dragged by both arms to get up and dance. I hated dancing. Later on, Gemma came running up to me with a huge grin on her face. Perplexed as to what she could be so happy about on such a dull night out, I asked her why she was grinning.
"I just got my first kiss!" She squealed excitedly. I should have been excited for her, but I wasn't. My first thought for a split second was "Why aren't I happy for her?" Then straight away it hit that I was jealous. Very jealous. Immediately my mind went to its automatic reasoning, "why can't that happen to me?" but that didn't justify the jealousy somehow. What else could I possibly be jealous of? I glanced over at the boy she who had recklessly kissed my best friend. My head was swimming with emotions. I was disgusted. Men giving me another reason to hate them. How could someone just kiss someone, without properly knowing them? After just a few minutes dancing with them, what was with that! Then it hit me, I was jealous because he kissed mybest friend. My Gemma. My Gemma?!
After the disco, we went back to her place. She noticed I was a bit quiet and hadn't said much since we had gotten home.
"What's wrong? You're being pretty quiet."
"Yeah, I just can't believe you kissed that guy, I mean, you didn't even get his number." I found it a bit difficult to look her in the eye.
"Yeah well..." She trailed. "It was a really horrible kiss though! He used his teeth!" I didn't even know that was possible. How on earth would someone use their teeth to kiss! I smiled, and felt a bit better that she didn't really enjoy it. I didn't sleep very well that night at her house. I tried to fathom why I was so jealous she was kissed. I didn't care when any of my other friend's were kissed. Perhaps I was just a little possessive of my best friends. Though it seemed like more than that, much more...
-Endrin-
After a while, boys just irritated me. They clearly didn't like me for whatever reason, and always seemed to be pressuring my friends into sex, or cheating on them or always saying and doing the wrong thing. Boys, I convinced myself, were a complete waste of time.
In year 9 when I was 14, a new girl had arrived early in the year, Gemma. She was a very attractive girl, long blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes; deep cobalt like the depths of the ocean. She was friends with a few of my friends and soon learned about my religious beliefs of Paganism. I would often get asked about my religion, but never as much as Gemma asked me. I found it flattering in a way, that she became so fascinated. We quickly became friends, best friends in fact. We were in every class together and you would never see one of us without the other. Every night we would call each other and talk for at least 4 hours without fail.
Daydreaming is a mysterious thing. It's amazing what obscure things your imagination can come up with whilst sitting a maths test. I was thinking about Gemma and for a brief moment had this bizarre feeling. I had this momentary desire to touch her. Anywhere. Even just a lingering hug. I quickly dismissed it as I had done the previous year when I had a similar odd feeling about another female friend. This yearning, though I wasn't quite sure what it was, happened a few times. I could tell Gemma anything, and I wanted to tell her about it. But I was frightened of how she would react. I thought of a way as vague as possible to explain these peculiar thoughts.
"Haha, you know what's funny? I used to have a crush on you when you first started." I told her one night on the phone. I held my breath, terrified of what she would say.
"Really? Wow, that's pretty cool! I don't think I've had a girl have a crush on me before haha."
"Well, it was ages ago." I quickly added in case she suspected something. In case I suspected something! There was no way I could actually like a girl, is there? Of course not...
Like me, Gemma had never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a boy. This baffled me. Her long silky blonde hair, her big penetrating blue eyes, her long dancer legs... How could any boy resist her?
Yet another school disco was coming up and as usual, I didn't want to go. Why would I want to go somewhere with music I don't really like, wear clothes I'm not too comfortable in, and be ignored by over 150 boys? Still, Gemma was going so I thought I would tag along for the company. Throughout the evening I socialised with some of my other friends and as usual, was dragged by both arms to get up and dance. I hated dancing. Later on, Gemma came running up to me with a huge grin on her face. Perplexed as to what she could be so happy about on such a dull night out, I asked her why she was grinning.
"I just got my first kiss!" She squealed excitedly. I should have been excited for her, but I wasn't. My first thought for a split second was "Why aren't I happy for her?" Then straight away it hit that I was jealous. Very jealous. Immediately my mind went to its automatic reasoning, "why can't that happen to me?" but that didn't justify the jealousy somehow. What else could I possibly be jealous of? I glanced over at the boy she who had recklessly kissed my best friend. My head was swimming with emotions. I was disgusted. Men giving me another reason to hate them. How could someone just kiss someone, without properly knowing them? After just a few minutes dancing with them, what was with that! Then it hit me, I was jealous because he kissed mybest friend. My Gemma. My Gemma?!
After the disco, we went back to her place. She noticed I was a bit quiet and hadn't said much since we had gotten home.
"What's wrong? You're being pretty quiet."
"Yeah, I just can't believe you kissed that guy, I mean, you didn't even get his number." I found it a bit difficult to look her in the eye.
"Yeah well..." She trailed. "It was a really horrible kiss though! He used his teeth!" I didn't even know that was possible. How on earth would someone use their teeth to kiss! I smiled, and felt a bit better that she didn't really enjoy it. I didn't sleep very well that night at her house. I tried to fathom why I was so jealous she was kissed. I didn't care when any of my other friend's were kissed. Perhaps I was just a little possessive of my best friends. Though it seemed like more than that, much more...
-Endrin-
Monday, 25 June 2007
Introduction - Where it All Began
Well, here it is. The blog I always said I'd write.
To give you some background information on me, my name is Endrin (to all of you anyway!) and I love sex. Absolutely love it. I love doing it, I love researching about it, I love how much fat it burns in my body! For as long as I have known about sex, I have been a sexual being.
I remember at a young age of about 6, my female friend said to me (during some form of mummy's and daddy's game) "do you want to have sex?". Puzzled, I asked her what it was and she replied "It's when you do sexy stuff." I assumed this just meant very passionate kissing. However a month, or even a year or two afterwards I was staying over my mum's friends house, laying awake in her daughter Skye's room. She was a few years older than me so I figured she would be apropriate to ask what sex was. She proceeded to tell me it was when a man's penis went inside a woman's vagina. I was fascinated!
My next sexual memory after that was in year 4, I would have been 9 or 10. There was a new boy in my class who I found rather attractive and remember coming home that day after school and prancing around in my large backyard proclaiming in song that I was going to have sex with him. Quite odd when I think about it. The same year (or even the one before it) I remember my best friend Anna and I locking ourselves in her room and taking off all our clothes and laying ontop of each other. Can't remember exactly what was going through my mind, though I think it was some other form of game in which we very nearly got busted.
A very odd thing happened in year 5, puberty. And having to learn about it. I went from being very curious about sex, to being very embarassed about it - at least infront of my parents. We were all going to be taught sex education and a note went home that parents could sign if they didn't want their child participating. I begged mum to sign it, I think because I was too embarassed that she'd know that I'd know about sex. I remember crying and saying "but I already know everything!" "Do you know what an orgasm is?" Mum asked. I remember having no idea, but saying "of course I do." Incidently, we never did learn about orgasms or anything about sexual pleasure during any of my sex ed years at school. I was always very good at the subject because I did have this secret yearning to know more about sex...
- Endrin -
To give you some background information on me, my name is Endrin (to all of you anyway!) and I love sex. Absolutely love it. I love doing it, I love researching about it, I love how much fat it burns in my body! For as long as I have known about sex, I have been a sexual being.
I remember at a young age of about 6, my female friend said to me (during some form of mummy's and daddy's game) "do you want to have sex?". Puzzled, I asked her what it was and she replied "It's when you do sexy stuff." I assumed this just meant very passionate kissing. However a month, or even a year or two afterwards I was staying over my mum's friends house, laying awake in her daughter Skye's room. She was a few years older than me so I figured she would be apropriate to ask what sex was. She proceeded to tell me it was when a man's penis went inside a woman's vagina. I was fascinated!
My next sexual memory after that was in year 4, I would have been 9 or 10. There was a new boy in my class who I found rather attractive and remember coming home that day after school and prancing around in my large backyard proclaiming in song that I was going to have sex with him. Quite odd when I think about it. The same year (or even the one before it) I remember my best friend Anna and I locking ourselves in her room and taking off all our clothes and laying ontop of each other. Can't remember exactly what was going through my mind, though I think it was some other form of game in which we very nearly got busted.
A very odd thing happened in year 5, puberty. And having to learn about it. I went from being very curious about sex, to being very embarassed about it - at least infront of my parents. We were all going to be taught sex education and a note went home that parents could sign if they didn't want their child participating. I begged mum to sign it, I think because I was too embarassed that she'd know that I'd know about sex. I remember crying and saying "but I already know everything!" "Do you know what an orgasm is?" Mum asked. I remember having no idea, but saying "of course I do." Incidently, we never did learn about orgasms or anything about sexual pleasure during any of my sex ed years at school. I was always very good at the subject because I did have this secret yearning to know more about sex...
- Endrin -
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
